To The People Who Feel Sorry For Me – Don’t

To The People Who Feel Sorry For Me – Don’t

“I bet some of you feel sorry for me. Well don’t. Having an artificial leg has its advantages. I’ve broken my right knee many times and it doesn’t hurt a bit.”

– Terry Fox

Getting through airport security screening with my mobility scooter always presents some challenges.

The lithium-ion battery is the subject of much discussion and serious facial expressions; the requisite explosives test must be performed; there are endless questions about why I am travelling with the scooter and the odd (old) joke: “I wish I could have one of those.”

It’s a repeatable playbook that I could recite in my sleep.

The only thing that still has the power to surprise me is the depth of people’s behaviour and reactions to me. I’m not sure why I am continually caught off guard. Perhaps it’s because I operate on the belief that you treat people how you would like to be treated.

A recent incident at the airport as I saw my mother off is a prime example.  We were waiting patiently for the results of the explosives test. A female security officer was hovering nearby, watching me, when suddenly, without any preamble or direct eye contact, she kicked off the following conversation:

Security Officer (pointing at my mobility scooter): “I want one of those.”

Is all the originality gone from this world?

Security Officer: “Why are you in THAT?”

THAT, of course, being my mobility scooter.

Me: “I have a disability.”

A myriad of expressions flashed across her face: Horror. Discomfort. Pity.

Security Officer: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I asked!”

Me: “Don’t be sorry. I’m fine.”

Security Officer: “I’m sorry I asked.”

Yeah, well great, that makes two of us.

I figured the conversation was over. I was wrong.  

Security Officer: “But you don’t look sick. So what’s wrong with you?”

Thank you for just invalidating my condition and conveying your disbelief that my condition is real. Bravo!

Me: “I have chronic full-body nerve pain, chronic fatigue, sporadic paralysis and muscle weakness as a result of a neurological condition known as Guillain–Barré Syndrome.

I didn’t get a chance to elaborate on my big medically-wordy diagnosis any further. The security officer flailed her arms at me in that unmistakable ‘stop talking now’ gesture.

Security Officer: “I’m sorry I asked, I’m sorry I asked, I’m sorry I asked!”

Then the final kicker:

Security Officer: “I feel sorry for you.”

*Deep inhale and exhale*

Don’t make a scene in airport security.

Me: “Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for me so why should you?”

I scooted away without a backward glance.

My Mum and I rehashed the encounter (as we women tend to do) for a good half an hour later, dissecting the conversation and trying to somehow rationalise her behaviour. It made for some pretty interesting reflections:

  1. Some things can’t be rationalised. They just are what they are and we need to let it go.
  2. If curiosity killed the cat, then discretion is certainly the better part of valour. It’s not appropriate to fire off just any old question that pops into your mind, no matter how burning a desire you have to know the answer.  
  3. People really shouldn’t ask questions that they don’t want to / aren’t prepared to hear the answers to.
  4. From an outsider perspective it’s easy to look at disability and think that it’s something to be sorry for. The presumption that disability defines a person and should elicit some sort of pity or regret really needs to change.
  5. Anyone can become disabled at any point in time. My perceived misfortune makes people more aware of their own mortality, of life’s fragilities. It confronts them with the possibility that it could, in the blink of an eye, just as easily be them. And it scares the sh!t out of them.

So, to the strangers I have yet to meet:

I am the girl with the walking sticks.

I am the girl who hoons around on her kick-ass mobility scooter.

I am the girl who is so much more than the sum total of the visual impression you get when you first meet her.

I am the girl who is living an amazing life, enjoying it the best way she knows how.

The girl I am today, the girl who people describe using words like brave, determined, adaptable and courageous, know that I am that girl because of my journey, not in spite of it.  

So please, don’t tell me you feel sorry for me. Don’t tell me you shouldn’t have asked. Don’t apologise for who I am. Don’t apologise for what makes me different.

I’m not sorry, not one little bit. You shouldn’t be either.

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All photos and content the property of Starbrite Warrior and Bree Hogan

18 Responses to To The People Who Feel Sorry For Me – Don’t

  1. Always a great read, and oh-so-true! People have no concept of how their words land on our ears, and the way that they themselves are perceived by those of us who are disabled (sometimes even of the invisible variety!). You handled this situation with loads of grace; I am afraid that I may not have been as kind or tactful as you were in this situation! Kudos to you ❤️

    • I think you give me far too much credit Christina…the tact was only there because I was a) quite dumbfounded by the whole exchange and b) mindful that I was going through airport security and had to keep my ‘polite face’ on. Even though internally I was like ‘WTF!!’Xx

  2. This is why people need to think before they say things! Especially coming from a security guard I’m so shocked! Thank you for sharing this. May people continue to learn how to speak to others.

    • Yup the verbal ‘speed-bump’ test is a definite necessity, Cassandra, but one which is so easily bypassed. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment 🙂

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